Ten Commandments of Technical Support

Thou shalt start thine shift content in the knowledge that ye knowest bushels more than thine customers!

This should be obvious considering they called you and not the other way around, eh?

Thou shalt speak humbly to thine customers and forgive them for they knoweth not what they do!

Talk to the customer like it's one of your grandparents, unless of course, you're rude and condescending to them, too!

Thou shalt not take the name of Bill Gates in vain; for without Him, thou wouldst be flipping burgers!

Let's face it; without Windows, most of us would never have even touched a PC and UNIX users don't need no stinkin' "tech support".

Thou shalt learn to appreciate the wealth of humor present in all thine calls!

Not sure about you, but I can't help but laugh at people who call saying they're losing "thousands of dollars" because their $14.95 Internet connection was cancelled for non-payment.

Thou shalt not forget what it was like to be on the other side of the phone line!

Unless they taught computing skills in kindergarten, you probably had to learn just like everyone else. I'll be the first to admit I was a newbie in the not so distant past!

Thou shalt always leave thine ego at home; arrogance tis NOT a sign of intelligence!

Actually, it's a proven scientific fact that the size of a tech's p*nis is the exact opposite of his arrogance. The more arrogant, the less...well you get the picture, right?

Thou shalt listen to thine customer as though he were a toddler and chuckle silently at his mistakes!

I realize that sometimes it's hard not to laugh out loud at some of the irrational things our customers do when it comes to computers. But it's our jobs to give encouragement and praise to the small successes (like when they press "Start"), and to ignore the foibles (like when they ask "is that a small zero or a large zero?").

Thou shalt make every effort to see the computer through thine customer's eyes and walk them through accordingly!

You and I know what a cursor and an icon are but most new PC owners see nothing more than a flashing line and cute symbols on their screens. Heck, I psych most of my callers out by making them think I can really see their PC as I tell them what to click next.

Thou shalt not deface thine employers PC's with thine own software or utilities, unless ye are the employer or ye bury it deeply within many folders!

One of the things I noticed about all techs; they love to personalize and tweak the system they're assigned to. However, more often than not you're sharing the system with others and not everyone loves having to work with the Star Trek theme installed or no hard drive space left from you getting yet another hot game demo or new utility.

Thou shalt not look upon the payscales of other employers; they art nothing more than wolves in sheep's clothing!

Sure, company "B" might be paying $2 more an hour, but I they might actually expect you to work, or worse, promise permanency after your probationary period only to let you go instead. I actually saw this happen about a year ago; one guy heard about this "neat" job, decided to go for it, told others who also went and now they're all unemployed. And if they could come back to the original employer, they'd have to start from scratch as a temp.

On to the Ten Commandments of Tech Support Callers

1998 seerialmom enterprises

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Updated 10/28/98